


Have you seen my sword?

by ScrapyardGizmo



Category: Dice Will Roll (Podcast), Pathfinder (Roleplaying Game), Pathfinder: Kingmaker (Video Game)
Genre: Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I dont think Ichor would ever sell one of Aldens swords even as a joke, I guess thats kinda spoilers but this whole thing is just jokes anyways so, I honestly cant lie to you this is just that hurdy gurdy video from brian david gilbert, Silly, You dont need me to tell you this is clearly not supposed to line up with canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 06:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28808766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScrapyardGizmo/pseuds/ScrapyardGizmo
Summary: Ichor is never seen nor mentioned using an instrument (as far as I can remember) but the mental image of this was too funny to pass up so here you go
Kudos: 3





	Have you seen my sword?

It's late at night, and the Kingmakers are camping out after a particularly grueling day of adventuring. Ichor is setting up sleeping spots, Kaska is preparing food for them to eat, and Alden has made his way into the wilderness around them to find some extra kindling for the campfire. When he returns, however, he notices something's off as he carefully puts the kindling into the fire.

He looks towards his friends. Kaska is busy with the food, Issorar is just being a happy little puppy, and Ichor...is messing with something Alden doesn't recognize.

Hm.

"Ichor?"

"Huh, yeah?" Ichor stops fiddling with whatever object he has in his hands and looks to Alden.

"Do you know where one of my swords went?" Alden asks, motioning to the neatly set up pile of swords leaning against a nearby fallen tree which, surprise! Is missing a sword. Ichor doesn't respond for a few seconds, looking as though he might say something but decides against it. Alden tries again.

"Have you seen my missing sword?"

"Yeah-...maybe," Ichor says, still looking a little confused. "What is a sword?"

...did this motherfucker really just ask what a _sword_ is.

"It's a bladed weapon with a short handle, there's a pile of them right here!" Alden motions, once again, to said pile. Still missing a sword.

" _Oh!_ Yeah, they're right there." He looks so happy with himself, and Alden is about to lose it.

"No, _the missing sword!"_

"...that's not all of them?"

 _"No it's not all of-!"_ Alden takes a second to breathe, to compose and restrain himself from strangling this +0 to Intelligence motherfucker who's supposed to be ruling the land of Kilcela. "Do you know where the missing sword is?"

Ichor bites his lip and scratches the back of his head. "I mean...it's kind of a long story."

"That's fine-" Alden is immediately cut off by a loud droning sound, coming from the thing Ichor holds. Oh. That's what that was.

_'Come gather 'round, and I'll tell you a tale,_

_A tale of a night very much like the one tonight...'_

"You have...a hurdy gurdy?" When did he get that? Has Ichor been embezzelling funds to get a fucking hurdy gurdy? Alden looks to Kaska and Issorar, but the former only looks entirely entertained by the shenanigans going on and the latter seems entirely interested by the instrument and Ichors singing.

"Do you have to sing this story?"

"Yes-"

_'The rain pelted cruelly, the wind tore my hood,_

_As I ran through the wood to my homestead...'_

"How many verses is this?"

"Twelve-"

_'When I saw in a clearing, a figure was stood!_

_Beckoning, as though I were awaited...'_

"When did-we haven't split up at all!" Alden has gone from irritation to despair. He loves his friend, he really does, but GODS does he really have to be such a capital B _Bard_ sometimes? "Nevermind, I'll go get some more kindling."

"I'll skip to verse eleven-!"

_'"NOW YOU KNOW!" Said the Wizard,_

_"WHAT PRICE YOU MUST PAY, TO GAIN THE REWARD YOU SEEK!"'_

_When did Kaska get a flute, what-_

"I feel like you skipped a lot?"

"You'll get it through context-"

_'"YOU MUST TRADE ME A TREASURE, THAT'S OF COMMENSURATE OR GREATER VALUE THAN THE ABADAR DIVINED PRICE_

_OF THIS MYSTICAL, ANCIENT ANTIQUE!"'_

And now Alden is singing too. He's the baritone now. This might as well be happening.

**_'So I granted the Wizard a blade forged in steel,_ **

**_Though it pained me to part, and regret filled my mind..._ **

**_With a flourish he vanished with a magical squeal,_ **

**_Leaving naught but this hurdy behind!_ **

**_Leaving not but this gurdy behind!'_ **

A silence fills the air. It is contemplative, calm, even...somber. But it, like most silences that came before it, is broken.

"You pawned my sword to get a hurdy gurdy."

"Alden, I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to remind me _what a sword is."_

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhhh idk what else to say except listen to Dice Will Roll, follow me on twitter @gizmotherobo and tumblr at scrapyard-gizmo
> 
> Also this was based off the brian david gilbert video "have you seen my laptop?" Go watch that its funney


End file.
